I keep doing this back and forth
Don’t want to know but yet I do
Who could they be dating, Am I a thought to cross the mind of an ex lover, ex friend, ex person
No longer a part of my life; The life of shambles. Falling over, collapse into a spiraling circle of disaster.
Suddenly it all occurred in a giant blob to hard to swallow
One after another problem upon problem
Yet in the mist a thought arises still giving me chills 
So concerned for their wellbeing and hoping for the best
Trying not to think with my heart because its to painful to bare
The crying has stopped but the images will always remain and leave a stain
On my heart. The muscle that pumps my blood, keeps me alive and healthy.
That same heart now cold, bitter and weak. It never should have gotten so bad
But still I wonder

Wrapped tight, Blurring vision, struggling yet unable to move.
I’m trapped in a prison made by my own hands. I can’t breath but am I trying or do I even want to.
Its getting tighter under my control. I can stop this, but its already started so I must continue. 
Fading to black slowly then eyes awakening to some bright light. Is this heaven? Did I die?
A mental game called suffocate. 1 player. 1 mind. 1 soul lost in this world trying to escape

(symbol)

Tartarna

I created a new god named Tartarna, the goddess of Unplanned Pregnancy and daughter to Dionysus (god of sex, wine, and intoxication) and Eileithyia (goddess of childbirth). Her parents are related through Zeus (god of earth), he is there father. She is fair skinned, thin and beautiful. Her long red hair lay smoothly along her back. She had gorgeous blue eyes and soft baby skin. Any person who saw her instantly wanted a beautiful child of their own. Tartarna was conceived through a one night stand during one of Dionysus’ hard drinking frenzies. She was abandoned right after birth and moved through orphanages until the age of 18. She was never adopted and always moved because those around her got pregnant. Growing up Tartarna know she was different but didn’t know how. Days before her 21^st birthday she got a visit from Hera (goddess of marriage and birth) because she was tired of all the pregnancies caused. Hera told Tartarna that she was a goddess and the reason for all the unplanned children in the world. She told her that her powers were evil and she had to get rid of them. Tartarna felt horrible and begged for Hera’s help. Hera threw Tartarna a 21^st birthday party and told her to reveal herself during the party. Hera promised Tartarna she would rid her of the powers she possessed. Hera told her “You have to stand in front of everyone and say you’re a god”.

The day of the party it started to pile up with people Tartarna never seen before. She was nervous and not sure what would happen when she revealed herself. After awhile the party was full and live which was perfect time for Tartarna to reveal herself. Hera quickly pulled Tartarna in front of everyone and said “Announcement from the birthday girl. Attention over here!” Once everyone focused on Tartarna she began to glow a majestic blue then began floating. She was scared and not sure what was going on but could feel her whole body tingling. Everyone looked in awe at the magnificent sight then suddenly all the woman cried out. They were all in pain and Tartarna knew exactly what happened. They were all now pregnant because of her. The glowing stopped as well as the floating and Tartarna looked around for Hera. She was nowhere to be found and left Tartarna to deal with all the angry females. Feeling embarrassed and ashamed she fled the party and disappeared. Tartarna was never heard or seen after that day but every time there is an unplanned pregnancy she is to blame.

As I sit here in the spot we use to sit I realize things are much different then sometime before

Distance is like the waves in this river before me passing by slowly but taking much with it

The rain falls like the tears on my face thinking of past times

Joys that bring me a simple smile to my face now brought to another’s cheek

How or why do these problems keep reaccuring is it something I said or didn’t say maybe something I did or didn’t do

Its not you its me repeats through my head but how can it be all of you and none of me

Am I undeserving of being truly happy am I not worthy of such a thing?

They say your young so you’ll find another but how many others can there be until the heart no longer feels

I sit here and realize nothing stays the same and is forever changing

The trees unlike before have no leaves yet grass is green and growing

The air of the evening is chilled with dark clouds overhead

My hair is breezing left and right with the wind

Unlike before I sit alone listening to my own thoughts without a person in sight

Unlike before i’m saddened face wet with tears heart unsure how to feel

Unlike before it was you and I now its you her and me

This ring I cherish dear escapes my hand to take a swim

It hears my thoughts and knows my fears so it chooses to leave because there’s no longer a promise no longer a tie between it and I

No hurt, No lies just you and I this ring knew the story and was happy to be sought 

Now she, her, it, the other is apart of what seemed like forever

But she isn’t the problem and surely not the solution but she’s there

Which leaves me so confused as to what I should do

Stay because love is in my heart or leave to spare the further hurt

As I sit here in the spot we use to sit I realize things are much different then sometime before

            Church every Sunday is a must; Don’t just sit there, be proactive; Join the choir or the step team; Go to college to make something of yourself; Join a club or team; It looks good on your resume and applications; Don’t party too much you have priorities; Be responsible, pay bills on time; Don’t put your drink down at the club; Clothes that show to much skin is not considered cute; Put yourself and family first; Treat others how you would like them to treat you; Respect your elders and yourself; You need a job, working is important; Don’t get pregnant at a young age; Don’t look for the one; The one will find you; Get married then have kids, you don’t want your kids to be bastards; Aim high and you achieve greatness; Believe in yourself and you can make it; But I don’t like people; Take care of yourself and God will handle the rest; Do what your told, when your told not when you feel like it; The mind is a terrible thing to waste; Cleanliness is equal to Holiness; A clean home is a happy home; Live everyday like it’s your last; Money is the root of all evil; Chew with your mouth closed, it’s ride to smack; You must love yourself first before you can love and be loved. Words they told me but never explained. Words they shared but never showed. Words they say but never teach. Words they want you to follow but they have not. Words they believe, expect, and hope we pursue.

I just finished watching a movie called “The Notebook”. I’ve seen it before plenty of times but this time I started crying. Never have I cried while watching a movie until now. That kind of love one can only dream of having. It made me think of my grandpa and grandma. I think the reason I cried was because my grandma recently passed and she was just like Allie. She was diabetic and was going through dementia. My family and I would visit her every week but my grandpa visited every day until her death. She would smile every time she saw him. When she was able to sit up and stand she would get up just to hug him. Then as time passed she had strokes, and an amputation so her condition worsened. She would remember us sometime or confuse us with another family member. My grandpa was the only person she never forgot. After her last stroke she wasn’t able to speak but she still smiled up at him. When he reached down to kiss her she would still kiss him back. The moment I will always remember is a week before she passed I was there alone for a visit. I never went alone but my grandpa was sick and I had the urge to see her. I went and watched TV with her and she smiled at me and held my hand. We watched legally blonde but I barely watched it. I was focused on her and as I sat there I prayed over her and told god to stop her suffering. When I left I kissed her head and told her I loved her. I know that even without speaking she understood and she smiled and held my hand. The day she passed the family planned on going to visit her but my mom came home and told me the news. Nothing could explain the feeling I had. I was silent and then began to cry. I said nothing for hours and my mom was worried but I was speechless. The most important person in my life was now gone. What is there to say? Watching “The Notebook” today was complete different to me then any other time. I saw the love my grandparents had together in that movie. That kind of love everyone wants including myself. I hope one day I can have the kind of love like “The Notebook” and my grandparents. The one that last forever through all hurt and pain, sickness and health, till death.

As I sit in this room feeling lucky

Cuz this chick telling me she wanna fuck me

She tells me I’m the one

How I make her shine brighter than the sun

But she’s so far from this place

We only chat on cyber space

She’s 30 and I’m 17

To most this may seem obscene

But she loves me and I love her too

Next month I’ll be 18 and I bet she doesn’t have a clue

That I’m flying there to be her boo

The first thing she and I will do

Is book a room so we can screw

Afterward I’ll pop the question

Then wait to see her facial expression

She’ll say I do and give me kisses

Cuz I’ve happily made her a misses

All of this from just a click

Can’t wait till I meet my Cyber Chick

So I started a new semester Monday 3/7 and i’m taking 5 english class whoa! right but I love to write so I dnt mind. One of my professors had us discussing a small portion of Jorge Luis Borges “The Maker”. The portion was called Borges and I which was about the author and a torn alter ego “I”. The speaker seems to be “I” talking about Borges success and fame. “I” feels inferior to Borges and that he will eventually be extinct. The class discussion lead to breaking the two into the public and private life of Borges. “I” is the private life and “Borges” is the public. Everyone sees “Borges” the famous writer but “I” is the hidden and private life of Borges. “I” feels he is fading because Borges continues to expose him. The famous most know of and recognize are celebrities. They lose there “I” just like Borges not only because of paparazzi but within there work: music, movies,books, etc. they expose themselves. You put yourself in your work regardless of your profession and intentions. This itself fades the “I” to where he feels a merge of the two. The end of the piece says “I am not sure which of us is is that’s writing this page”. The speaker no longer knows between “I” and “Borges”. The line between Private and public is blurred and merging into one or a completely new ego.

***Makes you think huh? Do you have an alter ego? and does that make you crazy?***

During the class the professor asked us to right two different ego of ourselves how ever we want. I came to realize when writing this list that I myself may have an “I”, “Shaquanna” and maybe something else. I have the during the day self who goes to school/work, stays to herself,quiet, shy, timid and not a morning person. The night self who my close friends, and family know. More laid back, comfortable, talkative, likes to eat lol and have fun. Then there’s the blurred lines with a mix of the two selves. The question my professor asked was well does that make you crazy. Are all my classmates and professor crazy? NO I believe everyone has these ego/selves maybe some more then others. Then that’s Bipolar some may say well those people have no control over there egos who are completely separate with no blur at all. The question becomes instead of are you crazy? but what is crazy? Society has its definitions and points to those they believe are “crazy”. This topic can go on and on I just want to make you think :)

**Till next time**

Jammin 2 music once again lol left my ipod at my friend house and i’m literally dying lol I’m like I gotta hear nature damn! hearing the trains go by is like new to me again. So I rush home to get on my laptop wit my headphones to escape the noise of the world. Hot 97 online right now throwin it back dead had Mike Jones. Speakin of dis dude where he disappear too. Sitting here like MIKE JONES! WHO! MIKE JONES! WHO! lol ok so now they playin some throw back south music. I dnt remember the name of the song but it go “Ever since i can remember I’ve been poppin my colla poppin popping my colla poppin popping my colla”….oooo they playin jamz for real been awhile since i’ve listened to the radio. I rely on my ipod and the internet to find out whats good. Just thought about doing a post on “What Grinds My Gears” lol song quote: “One word to describe me spectular YES!” not paying attention to who rapping just listening to words and whats being said. I think they playing stuff from Juelz, Jadakiss, Mike Jones, Maino, Wayne, Gucci Mayne and idk who else. Well imma end this post and start working on the next :) b4 I go Kanye “She aint stupid but her ass stupid” lmfao! oooo they playing “Slow Motion” Juvenile where he at? lol ok i’m goin now. “Don’t start no stuff won’t be no stuff” Lil Jon ok i’m done now

So I’m looking in my documents and I come across work I’ve forgotten but are good 2 me. Mind you I dnt remember when I wrote these but I can tell my vocabulary and grammer needed work lol. Here they are:

Text Lingo

The joy of being a cell phone that belongs to a woman is very emotional and confusing. I myself don’t bother trying to understand the female humans. From my experience being bought and sold from woman to woman I notice a few things. Men seem to receive a lot of verbal abuse via text message and actual conversation from woman. I’m used for all sorts of purposes and being a blackberry makes me a better multitask phone then the next. One of my main features which my current owner uses the most is text messages. Let’s tap into the life of my owner thru her text messages and see if you can understand the kind of person she is.

Face book Update: What will I do when you go grandma? Idk if I’ll ever be the same. This is 2 depressing 4 me. I can’t deal with this and I won’t so I’m not answer or speaking 2 any1. Don’t text or call me cuz I won’t answer.

Wow, now that’s deep and sad. Being her cell phone I have to send that text to face book for all to see. I can feel the dozens of text messages already on their way and the gallons of missed calls. This is goanna be a long day for a cell phone like me. NEW MESSAGE!

Girl Bestie#1: Hey missy, wyd? I C ur FB u ii8?

That “Bestie” is her best friend since the first day of middle school. She one of the main people she texts. Don’t seem like responding and that’s not going to end well with her. Besties can’t ignore each other that’s one of there rules. If something is bother the other then they should just talk it out, but my owner doesn’t want to. NEW MESSAGE!

Girl Bestie#2: Sup Heffa hit me up….

Bestie#2 is her second best friend who she also met the same time she met the first. There all friends together and have there own clic called “CG” which stands for candy girls. They made up there own thing back in there middle school days.

As I look back I’ve been there for all the hardships my owner went through and she’s now 20 years old. I can’t believe how times flies when you’re sending messages. This girls life is a crazy ball of mayhem but it’s the life and struggle of young women today. I’m just glad to be of some assistance although; I’m just like her secretary running around getting things done it feels good to be needed. NEW MESSAGE!

Mommy: Call me when you get this.

Her mom moved away recently all the way down south to another state. Can you imagine the distance I have to travel to receive messages and calls from her geez. There were times I remember not wanting to go through the work so I suggested the house phone for the job.

Cell Phone: “Oh no I’m not about to pick up this call let her call the house and he can get it.

House Phone: Ugh, that’s messed up I don’t get paid enough for *ring ring*

Times like those were hilarious to me because the house phone would be so upset. Seems the messages have stopped so far today but I might be speaking to NEW MESSAGE!

Victor: Hey love FB me we need to talk

NEW MESSAGE!NEW MESSAGE! NEW MESSAGE! NEW MESSAGE! NEW MESSAGE!

Oh wow I’m over loaded with messages. My owner is getting angry and upset, I don’t know what to do.

***Text Lingo was written I believe in a creative writing class. I took the view point of my cell phone.***

**The next is about 9/11 and the day a child was born**

911

The day I was born was the most happiest and tragic day of my life. Of course the birth of a child is joyous and beautiful but mine came with a twist. I know the story like the back of my hand because my grandma won’t let me forget it. She always says “you’re just like your mama Anna. Getting into trouble and being hard headed.”

My mama got into a lot especially having me. She went off and moved to GA where she met my father Bill. He instantly feel in love with my mother Anna. They eloped and moved back to NYC. Anna thought her mother would be happy for her since she found love, but she was furious. My grandma didn’t approve of Bill and to make matters worse Anna was pregnant. My grandma got so upset when she found out that she kicked them out and they were forced to live on the streets. Life was hard for Bill and Anna living on the cold streets on NYC but they loved each other endlessly.

One day Anna decided enough was enough so she called her mother.

“Hello? Mama, I wanna come home….me and Bill wanna come home” Anna Whined.

“Bill got a letter here I think y’all need to read… come over but y’all ain’t staying” mama replied.

Anna and Bill gathered what changed they could to travel to mama’s house. When they arrived they couldn’t believe how mama looked. It had been about 8 months since they last saw her and she looked old and stressed. Anna worried about her mother and wondered if she was okay. She thought maybe her mother felt bad for kicking them out and was stressed over it. Then mama greeted them and gave Bill the letter.

Dear Bill,

This letter hereby declares you supervisor of all janitors at the world trade center office. This letter is addressed to you on account of your uncle passing. He worked with us for many years and was given the opportunity to pick his successor. He left you his position in hopes that you will take it. Although is not a big job it is very important to the people working here. To confirm the position please come into our office on September 11, 2001 at 9 am.

Sincerely Staff

Bill looked as if he saw a ghost as he read the letter aloud. Anna and Bill jumped for joy at their new luck of hope. Anna thanked her mother dearly and hoped that one day they could make up. Although mama loved Anna she couldn’t accept that she was pregnant with Bill’s baby. She thought he had nothing going for himself and couldn’t help Anna in anyway.

Bill was surprised, nervous and excited at starting his new life. He would have a job so he could support Anna and the baby. “Maybe then Anna’s mama would like me” Bill thought to himself. The day of Bill’s appointment came quick and it was finally time for him to go. Anna went along as support although Bill warned her it isn’t safe for her to be walking around so much. She was now on her 9^th month and any moment the baby could be born. When they first entered the building they were amazed at its beauty. Then they continued upstairs to the 5^th floor where Bill’s appointment was scheduled. Security was there waiting when they came in the office. They took Bill to one room and Anna in another where she can watch TV and relax. The guard returned just minutes later to tell Anna her mother called. She got up as fast as she could and got to the phone.

“Hello?” Anna said

“Hi dear I was calling to check up on you and to apologize”

“Mama its ok I forgave you a long time ago”

“NO… it’s not ok. I abandoned you when you needed me most so I’m gonna change that. When your baby is born I promise to do everything I can for you and my grandchild.

“Thank you so much mama” Anna sniffled as tears ran down her face.

“OMG!!” Both Anna and Mama screamed.

“What’s wrong hun?” Mama asked

“My water broke plus I felt something shake under my feet”

“I just saw a plane hit the world trade center. Anna get out of there!!”

Before Anna knew it she was on the floor in pain. She couldn’t reach the phone but she heard her mother yelling loudly. Then a security guard running saw her and asked her what had happened. She explained that her water broke so he called for backup. She asked for the phone to speak with her mother again but, it was too late she hung up. The guard proceeded to take Anna to a smaller room where he could help her give birth. When they got there it was obvious that mama was right a plane did hit the building and the news showed the second building was also hit. Backup arrived shortly and Anna demanded for someone to find Bill. One guard decided to go help while the other 2 stayed to help Anna.

“Push miss push” said one guard

“You can do it madam” the other guard assured

Anna pushed as much as she could but, she was in so much pain and worried about Bill it was hard to concentrate. Then Bill came stumbling in without the guard and lay next to Anna. He told them the guard ran out to save himself and left Bill stuck under rumble. Bill managed to escape and find them just in time but, he was hurt and couldn’t move anymore. Anna continued to push then because Bill was by her side holding her hand she was able to concentrate. Anna and Bill had a beautiful baby girl. The walls started to come down and guards were getting nervous.

“Were all gonna die!!” said one guard.

“We must pray to god to spare our lives in heaven” said the other guard

“Take the baby please spare her life” said Anna

Bill looked at Anna in amazement at what she just said but, he knew it was the right thing to do. He couldn’t move and Anna was still in pain. The only hope for them was to take the baby to mama’s house. Anna wrote down the address, kissed the baby then gave her to the guard. The two guards ran out as fast as they could holding on to the baby tight. Bill and Anna grabbed each other close and began to pray. They knew there time to go was coming and they were glad it was together.

Mama was sleeping when the guards came and knocked on her door. She woke up and hurried to the door to find two security guards standing there. One of the guards had a small newborn in his hands and at that moment mama know what had happened. They gave her the baby and apologized for Anna and Bill. Mama began to cry and weep for the loss of her daughter and the gain of a grandchild. That day was the happiest and most tragic day of my life.

****Old work is inspirational****